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                                                                     TELL ME QUICK BEFORE I FAINT

                                                                       IS WE IN LOVE OR IS WE AIN’T

 

                                                                     ROMANCE THE EARLY YEARS

                                                                                       

                                                                                      RICH NICHOLS 

In my high school years most of my best  friends were guys...I think growing up with 2 older brothers has made me prefer the company of men as friends my whole life.  I have never enjoyed talking about hair styles  and fashion like most women...life is short why waste your time on mindless crap like that.  Plus as a woman I don’t think it does us any good to to prove  men right  who think women have nothing  new or intelligent to add to the conversation!!! One of my best friend’s in 10th grade was Rich Nichols when I first noticed Rich he was in a co-ed PE class with me where all his attempts to get my attention I found so annoying!!But soon we were friends and Rich was a better gossip than any girl knew back then and better at finding out who liked who back then...At first Rich would have a crush on Krista Nelson a good friend of mine so I would set them up and it was no love at first sight for her...But for me I suddenly saw Rich and he saw me.  I remember our first kiss was at one of our friends house parties.  I know I was outside sitting on a rock in their yard crying about something like sappy teenage girls do and he was sitting there like a friend one minute then we kissed ...and I thought wow that was nice ...but did he mean to do that?  And it turns out he did mean to do it...so off we went.  Rich and I would have a very long relationship especially considering that most of the time we would be in different towns some times in different states so I love Rich most for how much he would go through to be with me.

 Rich was the first person who loved me for me...he saw through  all my faults...he saw them as natural reaction to the life I had growing up...stood up to my parents when he thought they were wrong.  During the year I graduate my family will move to Clinton IA a town that is a 8hr trip in the car to get to.  I move in with some of my parents friends to finish up my senior year.  Needless to say Rich is the person who gets me through this difficult time.  Our entire last year of HS we are trying to decide what to do when this yr is done...we know that I am going to Mankato State and that he will be pretty close by at Rochester  comm college.  We were trying to figure out what to do that summer and we had a cabin set up that some friends and us were getting together...I had been telling Rich all that year I thought that was what I wanted to do...but I had no idea how hard it was to not go get that one last moment to be the child of someone ...that  was one of the hardest decisions I have made in my life and one of the few that I regret my decision...I think that led to the end of Rich and I .  I will never forget what Rich wrote to me that summer  TREAD SOFTLY FOR YOU TREAD ON MY DREAMS ...    

Rich was a good guy but he was a born under the Gemini Sign of the zodiac and he could be very irregular in his social reactions to things.  One day you are his focus and next hour you feel the opposite.  And he was a  typical male  so communication when things get hard are difficult.  With Rich if any thing was in public like a friends house or a High School Dance even our Prom  I would be wounded by how he treated me...he made me feel invisable.  And he was so unpreditable when he would act that way...I would get rides home from all my friends so often I lost count.  

Over the college years Rich and I would break up time and time again...the truth was we were always better friends than we were lovers.  And I have always been thankful to have Rich to all these years it was wonderful to turn to him.

 

My first summer in Clinton I met and fell in love with someone new...Rich did the same thing that summer with another girl named Deb.

                                                                       THE CLINTON YEARS...                  

 For the next four years while I am in College I will come home  to Clinton to save money on rent spend time with my family and make money.  I also meet and fall in love with 2 more men from my past  Starting with Mike Hutch.

                                                                              MIKE HUTCH 

I will meet Mike because he is my sister Jen’s boyfriend brother...Mike Hutch was the first black man I ever dated so that was new...The late 1970’s that was not that head turning in most areas around the country especially in Clinton which had a lot of industry so 10 percent of the pop where black.  Mike was a great ball player and it was exciting to watch him play that last summer of his  high school carreer...I guess he was in a lot of championships over the years including football...This was my first true jock boy friend so it was fasinating to see how hard he worked for everything he had an amazing work ethic ...always worked hard on the grades,   I never saw him drunk  ..he was center fielder...I just love how fast he could throw that ball...how fast he could steal a base ...I just marveled at that wonderful body!!!Legs to die for and ooh the arms and biceps!!!He had very light skin color and the most lovely fro.  Mike was a coach for little league and worked for the newpaper as a rural delivery.  Mike had dreamed since childhood of being a professional ballplayer...I have never met anyone more driven towards his goals than Mike.  When summer ended he would go to Iowa State and have 2 yrs full ride to play ball and later get a full ride at Miami State...   We would write each other like crazy I remember the joy at seeing his letters in my mailbox   That year I went to visit Mike several times but I don’t remember if he ever came to Mankato or not...Mike was fun to watch in all his sports but he did talk nearly non stop only about him self and he could be pretty cheap sometimes.  I think there was not some fight or anything just that I suddenly realized that I was bored stiff by this dude ... and that abrupt change  of heart had never happened to me before...And I was as  surprised as Mike was.

                                                                                  TONY WILLIAMS 

I am pretty sure I met Tony Williams in 78 probably at the Shot Tower my favorite bar and his favorite place to shot pool...I loved the shot because my 3 best friends Colleen Deb and Michele  all worked there and I was always broke so a cheap drink or cheap meal came in handy.  I went back to college and got these weekly sappy letters from Tony...which I being less than impressed thought were funny and showed them to my college friends for a good laugh...until one day I looked hard at all these letters and they did not seem funny...they seemed sweet!!!So that Xmas break when I got back to Clinton I called Tony and our first date was New Years Eve ...kiss at midnight and a lot more!!!Great way to start...

Tony Williams was a college student like me had graduated HS in 76 like me, he had actually gone to the same high school as Mike Hutch and was a very good athlete  and had gone to state in Football and track.  Tony was going to Iowa State to be an engineer so he was no dummy...we would be together for at least 2 yrs.  Tony came from very powerful family in Clinton His father was president of a big industrial park his mother a grade school principal.  Tony was the oldest of the 3 kids he had 1younger brother and a younger sister.  I adored hanging out at their home...first of all this is a house bigger and grander than my parents home and that had never happened growing up...we usually had the nicer home.  When we first started seeing each other they lived just down the block from us so I was down there even when Tony was not...I really loved his mom barb and his little sister...we all had mutual admiration society for each other...and I think they thought I was the girl Tony would marry...

The Williams family was not originally from Clinton they had  had moved to Clinton from Florida ...in fact Tony’s middle name is Orlando to honor his birthplace... I think of those poor kids getting stuck there in stinky Clinton ...not a a great trade!!! Any way I had a great time with Tony...he loved to wine and dine and we stayed in lots of hotels...he was very romantic lots of roes and chocolate covered strawberries and lingere candles lit at every event ...he was a great dancer so we  had so much fun and could get so naughty and saucy together...It was the disco era so we went to lots of clubs to dance.  

Over the time together Tony came to visit me at my college about 6 times he met all my college roomies and partied my brother Dave and sister in law Mary.  Tony even came twice  as my date to  my brother’s annual apple river trip!!!Which surprised me because Tony was no camper...I came to visit Tony 4 times visiting him was tougher because he was living in a big frat so privacy was impossible...I  rode along with he and his dad one fall to help him move in.  

We were so in love...we were so intoxicated with each other and in the middle of your college years and all of this obsesing with each other was adding up in every way from bad grades to the  expense of traveling to see each other and of course  unbelievable expensive  phone bills ....and I don’t recall who decided what but all of a sudden I am transferring to Iowa State!!!

Iowa State is located in Ames where my favorite aunt and uncle live and my best friend Michelle was going to school there as well...so that was nice.  Michelle was such a driven student she really helped me adjust to all the rigors of student life at ISU she helped me tackle the expansive campus and helped me choose the best route to take to get you to your next class in time...I liked  ISU as a college it made MSU seem like a junior college...the campus was so old and there were all these amazing big buildings and clock towers with history.  At msu I had majored in Mass Comm so here I changed it to journalism and got on the school newspaper right away. All the years that I had been a student in my life I had taken for granted my intellecual ability to get me out of any bad situation.  Now that I am at ISU I am wishing that I had paid attention to my grades like all my best friends and done and made some effort in the past to try to excell at all my subjects so my brain would not feel  so on  overdrive!!!I was coming to the sad conclusion that I could have come all this way and at such expense and at  fail...and the same thing that was happening to my grades was happening with Tony and I .  

If I had the aptitude of a CPA I could have done a lot of math and seen that in the last 6 mths that Tony and I were done...but we could be like that lots of dramatic sometimes even public blow ups and later we  could not be in the same room and not make up.  But we were  dealing with a very big problem, I was pregnant and had just learned that I was in the summer so we did not have forever to decide what to do.  I was less than impressed with Tony through this whole chapter in our lives but the truth is we were done as a couple already  and as immature as I was, having an abortion did have to be an option.  My best friend Becky had gotten pregnant the year before I had and she bravely had the child and gave it up for adoption...Becky was lucky she knew she had her parents support as good catholics they were there for her...my situation was the polar opposite my parents don’t even know I am pregnant because they hated Tony so.  This was with out a doubt the loneliest time of my  life...I remember laying in my bed alone and tying to imagine me saying to my parents the words that I am pregnant !!!I just could never imagine them dealing with any of this with any kind of love or understanding...so I never told them at all.  I told my aunt Rose though and that helped, I could sit there and talk about the options with her...and in the end I made the wimpiest decision of my entire life and had an abortion.  My best friend Deb came with me since of course Tony was too busy with frat activities to come...later that week Tony would check in with me to see how the abortion went if I was o.k. and of course get the receipt!!!

                                                                                     THE LOST YEARS

                                                             or better known as the school of hard knocks                 

 After the embarasment of failing at Iowa State and the heartbreak of Tony and I being done I could not for the first time in my life go back to my parents for comfort or even worse financial help.  In their minds I had failed at everything they had warned me I would fail at and and I could not face them.  In a way these lost years are the years I find out how tough it is to  be on your own and how tough and stuborn I could be...

The one good thing about the timing of my failure at ISU is that I had not spent all my finacial aid money, in fact I had 1000 left.  To me that seemed like a fotune so I thought hard about what to do.

I started my lost years by doing what I had wanted to do my whole life moving to Florida by way of Georgia.  My  best friend Deb was getting married to one of my best male friends in Clinton who happened to be from Atlanta .  They had decided to move there and when they learned of my breakup with Tony they really wanted me there.  They said I could stay in their apt until I got a job...so with in a couple days I was in Atlanta getting aquinted with the inlaws getting fitted for my maid of honor dress and starting to fall in love with the south.  In Atlanta there was so much to love from the amazing southern  food and jazz  music and wonderfull weather it was an easy town to love.  During the time I was trying to get a job I kept wishing I had a degree or more experience than just Data entry and some waitressing.  The longer I was in Atlanta the more I loved it and I am still sad at the suddenness of how this will all end.  After about 2 mths my best friend kicked me out one day...she was just sure I was cheating with her husband.

 So since I was already near to florida already I gave my florida shot a try.   The timing could not have been worse as I was almost broke when my friend booted me  so no matter which direction I drove I did not have the money to get there.  I drove long enough to still have cash to pay for hotel room and called my brother Steve and to this day I am not sure how he helped me I think he sent money but he doesnt recall.  I know I made it all the way to St Peterburg where I got a job as a waitress  and a cleaning lady at a hotel and that I had looked at apts there and I think when out of money I spent a night with an IDS guy dad knew.  I know  I had all the happy hours in the hotels down to a science I made sure they had  free food and I would hang out to all hours trying flirt with strange men to get a meal...these were not proud moments for me...but I survived them and I went thru stuff including living in my car that  none my siblings had ever done and I did it alone!!!Eventually the Florida dream was done...I think I was there one month total.

 When I return  from florida  the last people I want to see are my parents, I simply had no energy to defend myself yet.  I moved to Davenport with a good friend Colleen and had three jobs while I was there One at an eyeglasses  store one at the limited clothing an one at a resturant.  I will get my first pets my legendary cat named Babber.  Look if you have to live in the state of Iowa Davenport is the place to be.   It had lots of great shopping malls which were becoming very popular, great night life and restarants and was on the Missisippi river.  Unlike Clinton it had no smells from manufacting companies and that was amazing for a larger city in Iowa.  Living with Colleen was good for me.  She was this tough very intelligent woman who had been a bartender the whole time I knew her.  And she had been on her own in her own apt from 18 on.  In many ways I had always wished I had the indepence and spirit she had...and the belief in myself that Colleen had.  So this was the perfect time to prepare myself for this brave new world that would have no more help from my parents.   I  liked our apartment it was in a small building 2nd floor with a nice balcony.  Colleen was great at budgeting and taught me also so we did lots of enjoying the night life with out going broke.  We did lots of double dating and just loved bringing them back to fondu at our place yummy and fun too.  This was the first apt I was proud of as it was brand new and had nice carpet big kitchen we loved to entertain in.  Colleen had nice  furniture in the living rroom.   I loved my bedroom it looked great with all my bedroom furnitre  and of course my  wicker chair!!    We lived in Davenport 1 yr together and I was able to save money and get myself reengerized socially and was ready to face whatever my future held.  I knew that I wanted to finish college so very reluctantly I go back to Mankato.

  

 

                                                                                    BACK TO MANKATO

 The next few years I will meet some of my best college friends Nancy, Kim and the 2 laurie Gallaher and laurie  .  All these women were tall girls the shortest 5’11" and tallest 6’4".   They were very athletic so and beautiful so were called the amazon women were ever we went...we all were on all kinds of intramural teams together from backetball to volley ball to softball.  We all lived together for so long  we called ourselves the family and you were welcome to live there even if you were in a tight spot financially  you could pay rent or not...we had all taken turns being more responsible for the expences.  In 1980 I will start working in the computer  room at Bret’s Department Store where I also make some great friends including Judy Stevens, Carol Huthchins and Laurie Mork.

 By the time I had returned to Mankato I was trying to focus totally on finishing college and making money the last thing I wanted was a social life.  I am like  my older brother Steve  in that when I am trying to get over some  painful relationship I take all that  negative energy and work out and run like crazy...The great thing about being a college student is you have amazing facilities to use in any weather.  My favorite workout has always been running my average run in my college years was between 4 to 8 miles daily ...and I cross trained by swimming playing tennis and weight lifting.  I loved to run the steps  in the indoor track stadium after a run for conditioning and I still did most of the same work out I did and conditioning as a gymnast.  What is so ironic about these periods in life is that your body turns into this amazing thing of power and beauty and men everywhere notice ...but there is no exercise for your heart.  

The other thing I was done doing was going out to bars.  In those days I was so broke...and just tired of all the cheap college guys ...tired of everything in my life.  I was mad at myself for not being done with school as most of my friends were...I was even sick of my roommates,  every single one of us were more depressing than the last...I was so tired of feeling stuck that I was preparing to go into the Navy  and was just waiting for all my back ground checks to finish. I  would pray all the time for some kind of sign from god so I would know if I was making the right decision. In my mind I would get that sign in the way of  by being offered a job at Bret’s Department Store and in the same week I meet the love of my life Jim Miller at a crowded TJ Finnegans Bar in the middle of a drunken  St Patricks crowd.   

 

                                                                                 JIM MILLER

    By the time I met Jim all three of my siblings had been married for years ...I was coming to the sad conclusion that maybe marriage was not in the cards for me.  But thank god most of my high school and college friends were like me and all of us meet our husbands at about the same time...in fact some of the most amazing women I knew including Cathy Thomson would take many years longer than I did  to find her guy.  To this day I just don’t understand the lottery of luck in life...how some find love easy to find and marry soon after even multiple times as the case with my brothers and sister!! While  others just as or more beautiful and intelligent and talented with great jobs like Karen Gutnik from high school will never marry.

Meeting Jim was like coming home to a home that that I did not even know I had.  I felt such relief to know I would have Jim with me through life.  I would look at his beautiful face all the time and could not believe how lucky I was.  To me he was the definition of perfection, tall blonde  and handsome...I had never dated anyone this tall  6’2" and kissing him goodnight standing up literally gave me a neck ache!  Jim was one of the truly good guys out there.  With in the first few weeks of our dating Jim would very subtly begin taking every headache out of my life including paying my late car payments,  loans for college  as well as any rent past  due  and for the first time in years I was wined and dined like crazy.  It helped that Jim was a food buyer so we went to lots of the restaurants that the company did business with.  Jim also took advantage of the amazing food available at his work and got me all kinds of food free...which he cooked for me including lobster, my all time  favorite!!!  And Jim had been a cook at a diner to pay his way through college so he was an amazing cook,  always inventing something new.  Through all the years together Jim was  always  able to find  to find wonderful ways to surprise me.  Beginning with our  first  trip together  we would go on a wonderful vacation to the Bahamas ...Jim had such a quiet way of making your dreams come true...                

We had started dating in March of of 1982 and would move in together in Aug of that  year.  Looking back I can understand why his family was a bit in shock over how fast it all went.  I think they thought that their sweet shy Jim would never meet someone.   And in many ways that was how Jim’s love life had gone until we met.  I would learn that I was his first his first significant relationship...and he was four years older than me.  To this day I am not sure what I did the day we met that made him comfortable enough to come out of his shell enough to call me  and ask me out ...whatever it was I thank god for.  When I look back it was probably the combination of him being sick and tired of living his lonely life...and sensing somehow that I could teach him how to take  a chance!!!     

Jim and I had a lot in common we both were from families with 4 kids , two boys and two girls.  We both worked hard and wanted to move up the ladder in our jobs. We both would end up buyers for our companies.  We both loved working out, our favorite  workout was running and playing tennis.  We both hated being in big crowds and detested standing in along line for anything .  The thing we loved most was traveling.  Due to both of our jobs we would travel often.  My work as a buyer for the junior  dept. at  Brets took  me to Minneapolis and New York 8 times a year. Jim work as a buyer for his company Midwest foods took him to Minneapolis and Chicago 6 times a year.  Many of our better trips were for conventions for Jim so we got to  Chicago where Jim’s  best friend was a prof at northwestern all the way south to wonderful New Orleans...where I can still taste their food and hear the jazz and east to Boston...ooh the history and out west to San Fransisco.   We did so much traveling that we would buy a time share in mexico figuring it would be a good investment ...and it was we just loved it and traded it often for other locals as varied as West Virginia  where we took a tour of of Washington, ,Bar Harbor and Toronto and even good old lake superior. We both loved  studying history and politics.  And we both  were very independent as voters and enjoyed campaigning  for different parties. 

Jim and I were also very different in good ways.  We balanced each other so well...I always had all this energy and ideas and dreams  never anyone to anchor me long enough to see what I could accomplish.  Jim was this solitary guy intelligent and hard working who had a sarcastic sense of humor. He needed my help coming out of his shell and my guts and experience that taking risks is what life is about.  Being older than me I just loved how smart he was and loved to quiz him on everything from geogrophy to the stock market and especially history.  He had been an MP in the Air force and stationed in Turkey so he had a strong patience that just oozed out of him.  I always thought he would make a great cop...with his large stature and commanding low voice.  Jim was a shy good man and I  hope I helped to show him that it was ok even safe to show who he was...a good  gentle German Man...a lot like my Grandpa Seaboch.    

 Jim and his twin sister Janice were  the youngest in a family of 4 kids...Jerry was his oldest brother and his sister Nancy the middle child.   They had all gone to the catholic school in town from grade school to high school. Jim’s parents were older than mine they were more like my grandparents age.  Jim’s father had died when he was 9 so he did not have a lot of memories of his father.  Jim and his entire family treated their mother with such love and admiration for raising the kids alone.  

Jim’s siblings were all married except his brother Jerry when we met.  His two sisters both had children his older sister Nancy had 2 boys and a girl and his twin sister Janice had a boy and a girl.  His family was very nice and welcoming to me and Jim was wise to introduce me to his mom first.  When I met everyone there was a lot going on behind the scenes in Janices’ marriage ...she had been dealing with an abusive husband for years and recently learned that he was having an affair with her best friend and he wanted a divorce...During some of our first dates together I would witness  how their family would pull together each taking turns baby siting so Janice and her husband could get  marriage counseling...and I never got to spend any quality time with the baby Mathew, I only got a few glimpses of him in a car seat when he was leaving.  His older sister Amy I did get to spend time with and she let me know in no uncertain terms that her uncle Jim was her boyfriend...once I understood that we were fast friends.  Jim was so good with his nieces and nephews but was especially close to Janices’ kids ...Janice told me that once little Mathew could walk that he  would only want  Jim to walk with him and they  just walked and walked forever and when mathew got tired Jim would put him up on his big shoulders ...  Looking back I am glad he had his private time with his beloved nephew...just weeks after I arrive in the family they will be burying that lovely boy after an horrendous  accident on their farm ...Little Angel Mathew was just a year and a half old.  Jim’s incredibly strong sister Janice will amaze her family with the grace and forgiveness she will show to her best friend (who had stolen her husband) and her husband as they end their marriage in the same year of her son’s death.  

  

                                                                              MR AND MRS JAMES MILLER                                             

 By the time we decided to marry ...we had lived together for two years.  At this point in our lives we had just learned that my dad had a neurolical disease called huntingston korea.  My dad whom I had always idolized through our lives for his vigor and hard work ethic and amazing carreer with IDS.  I was so grateful to have Jim to turn to in those early days...I was crying all the time any time I talked to mom or saw dad in person.  My dad getting this horrrible disease was the first pain in my life that Jim could not take away.  Knowing that my dad would live as long as 15 yrs was somewhat comforting but I wanted him as healthy as possible when he walked me down the aile.  So Jim and I decided let’s get our wedding  done soon.  

Over the past 8yrs I had I had been involved in so many weddings that I have lost count.  The 1st  wedding was  my brother Dave’s in1977 2nd would be my sister Jennifer in 1980 and 3rd brother Steve in 1982.  In between those are countless weddings of cousins and girl friends  I believe at one point when I did the math I had been a bridesmaid 8 times.  Now through all these years I got a lot of ideas about how you may want your wedding...and more about what you don’t want.  The most important thing I learned was how much and how easily you can accidantly hurt someone you care about.

When you think about it weddings are filled with maze after  maze after of the most complex situations...starting from the moment you announce your wedding date.  To be honest the hurt I was still not over when planning my wedding was that my sister had not chosen me as her maid of honor...now I know she and I had been through years of ups and downs...but in our 20’s we were close I thought being her only sister I was a lock for maid of honor.  And I don’t think my sister even thought once about my feelings.  But before her second  wedding she would apologize for not choosing me again explaining it by saying her best friend had jumped to the conclusion that she would be maid of honor again and she did not want her to feel bad.  Well at least my sister is consistent!!!The other wound from the past that was guiding my choices in bridesmaids was that none of my girl friends from high school including my best friend Brenda never  had me in her wedding.  So in a way all these painful snubs allow you to more freedom to go in unique ways for your wedding.  

Since my sister and her husband were still in England and mom was sure that she  could not afford to fly back...I had a lot of bridesmaids to figure out.  I decided to have my best friend from college Joanie as my maid of honor.  The brides maids were Jim sister Janice and my best friend from work Judy .  

 Jim choose his best friend Mark as his best man, and my brothers Steve and Dave  for his groomsmen and my nephew Chris. and his brother Jerry for ushers.

 Again looking back on the year of my wedding due the distance that my parents lived away and the fact that we were Paying for most of the expenses I never got that moment most women dream of through out their lives, trying on wedding gowns and your mother saying oh that is the dress honey!!!Planning the wedding I  had to do all by myself.   Jim had no opinion on most details including the date.  Planning the wedding was like running a marathon all by myself with no water to refresh you,  and no one to cheer you on, no one to tell you if you are off your pace  and worst of all no idea if you are near the end!!! In a way this feeling of loneliness would be quite familiar through out my marriage to Jim!        

 

 To me emotionally the biggest gapping hole in our beggining of our marriage was there was no proposal.  And early on I point this out to Jim and make him sit down on our living room floor  so we can tell each other why we are doing this ...you know something to tell our kids some day.  So I blab on and on about all his virtues ans when it’s his turn he says 5 words to describe me ...there’s just something about you.  The other big thing I would change was how I got my engagement ring.  Some of my close friends in the office had recently become engaged.  Jim and I went out one day on our lunch hour and made it to two store, and during the hole  time Jim seemed so bored and put out even to have to waste a lunch break doing this.  After our shopping on just that one lunch hr I said do you want to do it again tomorrow and he just looked annoyed and gave me his credit card and said you just go pick what you want.  Like he had better things to do than waste time with me.  Looking back on the year of our marriage it is the only year that he seemed to have all the romance sucked out of him.  Pretty bad timing indeed!!!  

 My family was living all over the place my parents in Dubuqe, IA my brother Steve was in WI and my sister was far away in England, only  my brother Dave and his wife Mary and my nephew Andy were near me. The way we handled   financial responsablities  for  our wedding since my parents were dealing with my dad early retirement due to his illness is what I am most proud of.  All my other siblings had gotten married back when my parents were in great shape financially...they all had the freedom to design the perfect wedding for them.  Our timing money wise if we needed their help could not have been worse.  I am grateful that I was in Retail and had always prided myself on getting a lot of bang for my buck.  And how cheap Jim could be would really come in handy in this case as his aptitude for understanding the bottom line meant we would not be shocked by our bill at the end.  In a way us not having much for our wedding budget made me very creative.  One of the first things I will start pricing is flowers...and frankly thank god that I am down to earth like no other woman I know  and truly have no favorite flowers so all I care about is how cheap and attractive I can be.  We go with hand made flowers for the entire wedding party...saving hundreds over real flowers.  The big challenge  regarding flowers was to find some thing large and stately for up near the alter and here I am quite brilliant...I approach the window designer of JC penney and ask if they would rent me the flowers in the bridal display they had...and shock of shocks he agreed and for no charge so long as I alone handled them.  What a deal these beautiful big white wicket baskets filled with the  flowers in the colors we needed...again a a little help from above!!!    

I would shop for my wedding gown at my store’s bridal dept and found my dream dress and for only 675 dollars!!!This  of course was not exactly what we wanted to spend and my discount would be only 20 percent. I was heartbroken I knew I could not have that dress!!!Later that same week a friend of mine told me another Bridal shop in town was going out of business and was having amazing sales.  I called the store  to see how long they had been doing their sale and I was just depressed to learn it had been going on for weeks.  After that long would there even be much left of their inventory...I really doubted it.  But I decided to go anyway since even if there were few gowns left there were all kinds of accessories I still needed.  I walked in  the bridal store and almost immediately saw there was my dream dress for only 99 and in my size too!!! Now if that  is not god interceding!!! I also grabbed lace gloves for all the bridal party and me and found my shoes there as well.  

I shopped at my store to find brides maids dresses and found the perfect style for my wedding .

 The Lutheran church that my brother and his wife were members of was where we decided to have our wedding at ...to do that we had to become members of the church...so this was our first church we would join as a couple.  Zion Lutheran was located across the street from Jim’s mother  and walking distance from our apartment  so the location was handy.  I liked that the back ground of the pictures for the wedding was just brick and not a lot of distracting statues.  Jim had been raised catholic so this was his introduction to what it was to be a Lutheran and to Jim I am sure it felt strange at times but oddly free...there is way less guilt involved with being a Lutheran...that is unless you talk to his mother!!!

  I feel like  from the moment I come into Jim’s life I am increasingly putting his mother into discomfort.  From my not being catholic to our moving in together before we were married .    My mother in law was a very strict catholic and to make her comfortable we had offered to have a priest at our wedding to bless the marriage but we would have to say we would raise our kids catholic and Jim said no way.   I am sure his mother blamed me for his leaving the church but the truth is the minute he had graduated from HS he told me that he tried not to waste one more minute in that church!!!The few times he did go were on my urging to make his mom happy on special occasions like easter.  My mother in law was this force of a woman...true to her German heritage she did everything so perfectly from cooking and baking to cleaning.  She was a lot older than my mother, more like my grandparents age...but her work ethic was amazing.  My mom always said she felt so lazy next to my mother in law.  She and I would take quite awhile to find a comfort  level with each other...even though we had the biggest thing in common all along  we both loved her son.

 

                                                                        THE WEDDING DAY  

 My favorite  things about my wedding was my parents flew my sister home as a surprise for me...and she thought that there was no way she would get to be in my bridal party since we had no time to order a dress but I had a dress all ready and surprised her!!!I  love  that I was in the best physical shape of my life and had the most amazing tan and that for the first time in my life I felt internal and external balance at the same time...and I think Jim would say that he felt the same.  I loved that all my wedding guests were staying at the same hotel that was so handy and just a block from our church.   One of my favoite treats was sitting in the hot tub that early am of my wedding day and one of the guys at the front desk brought me a oj and champaigne.  I love that we had old fashioned words when we were saying the vows and that smooth Jim who to all my relatives seemed so cool and calm before the wedding panicked so bad that to  this day we are not sure what he promised me!!!! 

 

 

 

FUN   FUN   FUN   FUN   FUN   FUN   FUN   FUN   FUN   FUN   FUN   FUN   FUN   FUN   FUN   FUN   FUN   F

 

                                  Jim and I as newly weds really had a great four years before we had any kids.  Our life was so easy we did tons of eating in retsuaurants took lots of wonderful vacations .  We just had the best time in our neighborhood walking with our dog Max. I can not stess enough how much I loved our first home and all our furnishings.  Having lived all these years with room mate it was such a joy to walk into a furniture store and get what you wanted.  We had this wonderful set of accent talbles that uncle bill had built that were glass and wooden just a nice clean delsign...I always loved the sofa table the best.  I know all our trips to mexico and to Las Vegas in formed my design.  I have always loved brown and white .  I felt so proud of everything bought I know one trip to visit Brenda and Steve we would discover our favorite book case entertainment peaces made from pine crates...just loves those.  But the part of my house I wish I could change would be the kitchen could have been bigger.  I loved our beautiful stone fire place in the basement ,that made me feel like such an adult . 

 That was a fun first for Jim as he had never had a dog before in his life.   I remember takeing Jim to the dog breeder house to pick out his first puppy ever.  He can be so afraid of change even good one like pick out a pup he tried so hard to get out of it...I am  not sure what goes through the mans head.   We on one of mexico vacation we bought a time share and of course we knew that we had fallen for some sales pitch after some strong mararitas...and it was buying a building that was not even done yet.  The year we we to finally see our unit the entire time we were traveling to get there our plan was always to just blow this off if we’d been taken and this place was not done...find a good cheap resort and drink our asses off.  But our unit was done and it was amazing way up high looked over the ocean the mountains and that lovely liffle city.  Our unit was gorgous and there was a small pool too floors down and a resturant.  As a couple my favorite trait about us was this not letting one bad thing whether it is a big thing or some thing ruin a vacation...we would always say to eachother hey were on V cation !!!   

Living in a neighborhood that was way on the edge of ttown a not much of the area lots were sold yet .  So it was incredibly quiet I just loved walks and runs.  There were just 30 other people living out there when we were there so if you got stuck in snow we would all lend a hand .  Because there were so few out there we really made some good friends fast.  Beth and Steve were my favorites they lived accross the street and you could pull into the driveway many times she or steve would yell get over here for a maragatia or what ever there was always a party We did lots of barhopping with themm...movies trips to mps to go to horsetracks , renesaunse fair and valley fair with fun rides.  Jim doe not in general like this kind of stuff so i am glad he did seem to love hanging with these new friend couples as much as I did. Beth and Steve lived just across from us and sue and terry lived on hill top.  I think we got much closer to Terry and Sue in the end. Terry was really good with wood and I know he built my mom and dad very big dock for the lake house.  I know Terry helped me out there painting the interior of the cabin too.  I know we went to visit them when they moved to some town on the boder of minn and nd.                                                                                    

 

 

                                                                                  CHILDREN

 

                                    my song for the boys...

                                                             123  WONDERFUL BOYS

                                123wonderful boys 123 wonderful boys mom and dad wanted 123 boys

                                                                   123 wonderful boys in this world...

                 

 

Look from way back in whatever grade you see the really graphic picture of childbirth I knew I was never going to do that...I am not brave like those women!  I knew that there was no way I would let some doctor stand down there and look at the most unattractive thing a woman has to look at.  Now I did want to be a mother but I really was glad to get out of the birthing part of it ifI could.  We had looked hard at adopting and were shocked at the expense. 

  Now every one of my siblings had been to Genetics counselors due to Dad having huntintons korea.  You had to make hugh decions like whether it was worth bringing your child into the world if at age 50 he gets sick...and all of us had a 50 percent chance that we carried the gene.   So Jim and I were in the middle of deciding what to do when we found out I was pg.  We were over the moon with excitement!!!It was such a joy to tell our families of the news and watch their reactions.  There is nothing like those moments where you are telling a grandparent that news...For Jims family it was especilly nice to have blessed news like this after the loss of Matthew.  For my parents and I it was nice but in a way I felt my pregnancy was over shadowed by all the the drama going on in my family.

Some   drama was good like the fact that Jennifer was having her first child so close to when I was.  But some drama was  bad.  There was alot of bad things  going on in my brothers  Daves marriage.  Dave had he had been having an affair with a woman from work  named Joddi and she had gotten pregnant and was due the same month as me.  This just made me feel so robbed of the sanctity of that first child of mine being born.  And I had to get over that anger cuz we would be stuck going to our lamaz birthing lessons together!!!  Putting Jodi and I together in that birthing class was quite an  amazing gift from god.  She and I got off to a great start as young mothers we would enjoy years of helping eachother as sister in laws.  It is amazing when you look back at life at the time we were learning to accept Daves new life we had to give up our wonderful sister in law Mary.  That is the thing that is so difficult about these dramatic changes in life, like divorce you lose people you had beside you through your whole life with no vote from you.  I always felt robbed that I did not get to have Mary in my life as I became a new  mom.  My family was getting used to leaving ex spouses behind starting with my poor brother Steve whose marriage to Julie lasted less than a year.  My sister Jen’s ex go back to John her highschool sweety she was set to marry that she left at the alter.   My sister Jen’s next was Dan who she was married to for 7 yrs who was an alcholic and abusive to Jen especially when stationed in England.  She left him the minute they got back  to the US and was on to Scot whose child she was now pregnant with.  All through my life I am truely the dullest of the kids I will only marry once!!! 

The year that Adam was born two of my favorite in laws will leave our family as 2 marriages fail my brothers and my aunt ginger..  My grandfather Peppers dies.  The year Adam is born is filled with record number of  births...if any one had done the math.  In my  immediate family my sister,me and my brothers new wife will have just 6 wks separating theirs births.  Jim twin Janice will have her last child,my ex sister in law Mary has her last child and two of my cousins are expecting at the same time...  There definately was something in the water that year!!!

                                                                    ADAM MICHAEL MILLER 

Adam Michael Miller was born Dec.12 1988..After 11 and half hours of labor  he was two weeks past his due date ( this is my longest labor of all three births) t  with unbelievable back pain since your nose was  facing down.   I had so much fear of how bad this would all be and it was far worse than even my wild est fears. I remember when we first checked in to the maternity area there was no maternity rooms left so they put me in this large closet to get started...I was so relieved to finally get a real birthing room. 

The Mankato clinic was the ob we were working with and who ever your dr was want not guaranteed to be there so when I first checked in it looked like I would not get the dr we had hoped but in the end my wonderful Dr Pinkus would deliver Adam.  We also started out with this ancient nurse who kept telling me to buck up cuz she delivered 12 kids and it was no biggy and really pissed me off by sending jim to get coffee anytime I needed him. All during my labor I had no idea that I would grab Jim’arm so violently he had bruises for days.   I was in so much pain during labor I remeber saying that I could not go on they had to finish without me ...just kill me and of couse many many swears word directed at Jim I even said mommy. 

We had taken breathing classes which were supposed to help but the minute that back labor started that crap was out the window...we had chosen pictures and music boxes like our labor coach told us to have and any time Jim put any thing near me or up on some thing I would rip him a new one!!!Needless to say I thought the first shot at the dumb breathing lesson were a big rip off.  They would wook that last 4hrs of this nightmare...but that was it. and that was cuz I had my great nurse Deb.  When Adam was born my mom and dad were not in town and here I was this new mom they wheel adam into me after Jim had gone home to sleep and I am panicking I feel so dumb and inept and thank god Lucille came she was an amazing help.  She just stayed and let me sleep when Adam was hungry she helped so to get me comfortable with breast feeding.  I Cherish her so for her kindness those first hours of being a mother I know I never told her that.  I hope she knew.  And here my parents were no where to be found for 10 days.  I really got lucky with Lucille as a Mother in law.  And she and Adam would have this amazing connetcion from day one.    

 This is the one thing that sucks the most about what women goe through.we do all that work and we get no memory of the most important time in your life.  We ended up with a wonderful nurse Deb who I would have when Ben is born too.    looking back I dont know where we got the names Adam for him from I only remember that we both wanted to choose strong boy names and we both recalled growing  up wishing that we could switch to your middle name when you got tired of the first. The other thing that was a bit unusual in a first time dad Jim did not want his name to be the middle and also Dave my brother had used all the other family names for his two boys years before this.   

Thank god I was ignorant about how much work being a new  mom is cuz I in my dumb joyous new mom energy have to have x mas at our place for my family .  And of course my brother steve and his new girl friend Cindy are coming and of course they must stary with us the whole time. Now I have a husband who is back at work and my formerly pristeen townhome looks like at atom bomb went off some where.  The amazing thing is the place will look amazing for xmas.  I have no idea how it anded up that way since the whole first month of motherhood is a daze...These are the pristeen moments I do remember.that I made all the smokers in my family so mad cuz I wanted them to smoke in the kitchen to protect my new borns lungs that Grama and Ging walked out.  I remember the joys of watching all my family holding my son for the first time ...ecpecially mom and dad of course.  I remember that was the year Dave son Arron could not prounonce certain letters so we got him gifts to accent that.  I remember that the whole time Steve and Cindy were with me he never helped with one damn thing  so I was very pleased when Steve messed up when opening a bottle of champagne and the damn cork exploded and nearly took his eye!!. 

 

 

 

 

   

 

   Being a new mom is just so much more than words can describe!!! The smell the taste the face the bald head the wonderful eyes the hands and belly ohh the toes...the smells and sensations of motherhood.  It is all addiction.  I have always said that before I die when the angels ask what was the  best  in my life it is the smell of my babies!!!  If there was a fragrance for innocence and all that is pure in the world...it would be the smell of my boys.  I was surprized how easy it was to toss my dream job of buying away to be with Adam.  From this moment on in my life I will never judge a job only by what it can bring in financially...it will be a constant search for the perfect balance between work and home.   After almost a yr at home with Adam I got a partime job with some old friends at a financial co called EFS.

Being a first time parents Jim and I have done lots of preparation like birhting classes to childrearing classes and of course babyproof your home class ...I in my younger years in life have always been type a about everyting meaning I want things done  right.  I read every current book about becoming a parent and even more once Adam arrived went to momy and me work outs at the y and joined some ecfe thing that was about raising kids to interact with other parents.  We made some good friends there and often Dave and Jody will be in the class.  One time Mary and new baby were in a  class and one time Kevin a co worker of Jim’s was in a class.  It was fun time in life if working  

When I look back at the first few years of being a parent I feel like I turned into this incredibly selfish person.  I  had been lonley with Jim for some time and had no idea what to do.  I cried alot the first few years before the boys were born and many times he would walk right by me as I sat there on the couch...and just go to bed.  Jim is quet anyways and he got more quiet with the years .  ..When we were .on our honey moon would secretly cry in the bathroom so he would not be hurt.  I was so lonely for the Jim that had wooed me the one who talked to me like I was special.  He seemed so anxios to  get away from me now that we were married. 

I felt like I could not turn to my own husband for comfort or  help for the first time in our married life.  So this is how you get into trouble if you are emotionally needy like I was the year Adam was born.  You find yourself doing all you can to find something or some one in my case.  I had known Mark Alvig from my days at IDS we were good friends and hung out in a great group of friends.  God Mark was so different than Jim.  He was this life of the party guy...red haired ccowboy boot 64 always dressed to the 9s.  I had fallen in love with him when we were at IDS but never said a thing...it scared me so I had to leave IDS to save my marriage.  I only told my aunt ginger about why I needed to leave IDS.  I had felt so bad leaving that company I know the decision disappointed my dad . Mark and I had an affair for a year and a half.  During that time he woulf leave his wife and get a devorce and wait an amaziing legth of time for me to decide what I was doing.  And it was not some simple thing where I got counseling and made a decision and stuck with it no...I was just a mess that year and in the end I felt like I had to error on the side of my family.  

Regrets I guess but it is ironic that thru my whole goody goody life where judged many in my own family like dad and jennifer here I was being the bad girl for the first time in my life.  I will not say I regret any off that period in my life.  Jim learned to woo me again we created our own style of marriage that worked wonderful for many many happy years...we both said we liked that marriage better than our beginning and all my family and Jim’s were so  proud of how hard we worked to get our marriage back  And for me the very worse character flaws I have I will never do again I don’t cheat and I don’t judge others.    

 

 

  

BENJAMIN

CASEY