From 1953 to 1957 I was in the military, in the Air Force. I had to wear a blue uniform. Back then, in 1953, if you were wearing a blue uniform you looked like a bus driver.

Back then, you could hitchhike anywhere so I did. When people picked me up they would say: “What happened? Did your bus get away from you?”

I went to Texas, and then to Lackland Air Force base in California.

But what I really wanted to do was go overseas. I wanted to see Europe, and I knew a guy who could get me transferred. I knew the right people in the right places. For example if you ever wanna get into a company the right thing to do is to get to know the secretary!

So I got to know the secretary, and he said: “Where would you like to go?”

I said: “How about Europe?”

He said: “Does France sound good to you?”

I said: “Sure.”

I was over in Europe for two and a half years, and it was a mind – blowing experience. I was at Falsberg Air Force Base. It was an Air Force base without airplanes. A helicopter did come in one time and it fell apart. That was about it!

We had some nice facilities there. But, there was a bathroom that was really an outhouse! Strasburg was the biggest nearby town.


With Zero Training, I Become the Base Pharmacist

So I got to this Air Force base as a lab technician. I could test blood and things like that. But they said they didn’t have a pharmacist. I told them that I wasn’t trained as a pharmacist. They said: “Learn about it!”

So I learned about pharmacy. Eventually I got so good at it that the guys would rather come to see me instead of the doctor. They called me “Doc.” I could make up the medicine that would cure you of anything.

To this day I still remember taking sulfuric acid and some other chemicals, and putting them together to see if they would explode. I never succeeded; thank God I probably would have killed myself!


We Get High…and a Little Irritable

But I was always experimenting. I remember taking pyrobenzamine, a green blue tablet for sinus problems; I don’t think they have it anymore. I tried it, and I got so high on this pill that I was like Frankenstein. This pill was so great that my friends asked me to make a batch for everyone.

So I made up a batch because that night a bunch of girls were coming in from America, and they were going to dance. So there we were, in the front row, with these great looking girls dancing, but we were sitting there like zombies. (laughter). We hadn’t seen women like this for a long time.
Then we went into the bar at the soldiers club and the guy asked us what we wanted to drink. I put four fingers up and said “ beer.” He put his hand on my shoulder and asked me if I wanted any more.

I said in a very tense voice: “don’t touch me!”

We were all high.


“That’s how I keep my Friends: It’s Called Blackmail!”

Sometimes, people would come up to me and drop their pants and say: “look! You got rid of it!”

So they thanked me and bought me meals. I became very popular, and I learned a lot of things.

I went into the Sergeant’s club one time, but you had to show your pass. But one time I didn’t have my pass.

The guy said: “where’s your pass?”

I said: “I don’t have it.”

He said: “Well you can’t get in there without one.”

I said: “Does your wife know what you are doing here in Strasburg and Falsberg and other places? Does your wife know that I gave you injections for syphilis? Does your wife know about that? Do you think she would like to know about that?”

So he waved us right into the club immediately.

My buddy said: “How did you do that?”

I said: “I know everything about everybody including the officers. I’ve got a book you wouldn’t believe.”

That’s how I keep my friends… by having information about them… its called blackmail!


I Meet another Celebrity

One time, I got very sick and a fellow named Sheldon Allman showed up to do an act. Both he and I had colds, and we were in sick bay. I kept him up all night with my snoring. He called me “Bugle Ann.”

I said: “what’s Bugle Ann?”

He said: “it’s a dog that goes on a hunt.”

Later on, I saw him in movies with John Wayne and other stars. Lots of different people used to come through our area, and I would see them.


On Cold, Starry French Nights, I Pondered the Meaning of Life

I also got into something very strange, and I’m ashamed to even admit it happened while I was over in Europe.

We were raised Catholic, very strong Catholic. In fact some of my family were priests and nuns, and we were very proud of that fact.

So here I was overseas, all by myself, wondering: “What really is existence? Is there really a God out there?”

So I used to go outdoors night after night in the bitter cold and look up at the stars. Once I said to John: “OK if you’re there, make a star blink three times… OK, two times… OK, just once, just once!”

So although I went to mass, I went there really because I liked to sing. I started to lose my religion in Europe because I was all by myself. I remember saying even the toughest guys look in the mirror and start crying because they missed home. I missed my home too; two and a half years over there.

I got to know a guy who always made us laugh. He got into a lot of things with women and as you know the French women are very beautiful.

We were in Alsace-Lorraine and it was quite different from Paris. The people here were a mixture of German and French.

We would say: “Merci!”

And they would say: “Servis, servis!” then, they would put their leg behind them and bow.

Strasburg was one of the most interesting cities. I think it was built in the Middle Ages.


Coming Home, I Surprise my Family

When it came time to leave Europe, I’ll never forget this. I had some old wooden clog shoes. I had written my Mom and Dad that I was returning to America. This was 1957, and I was leaving the service early. I told them I was coming but I didn’t say exactly when.

Eventually I got to California, and when I got there I saw all those palm trees. I said to myself: “Oh my gosh, I forgot about all these beautiful palm trees.”

I saw cars with big fins in the back; in the nineteen fifties they built everything to look like an airplane. I got home by taxi, walked over to my Mom and Dad’s new house and I tapped on the door in the back. My Mom answered it.

My Dad looked out and said: “How much do you want?”

My Mom said: “it’s Bud!”

They didn’t recognize me; I had a beard now. And my brother came back from school, but he didn’t know I had returned. So I lay in his bed with a fake cap pistol that I had. I covered myself with blankets.

When he came in he said: “What are you doing in my bed?”

I said: “I’m here to take your life!” and I shot at him with a cap pistol.

He yelled out: “Buuuuuud!” We gave each other big hugs.